when things go tits up

It seems I'm looking for answers to questions I can't ask. I am slowly tearing myself apart and no amount of trying to put on a brave face or ecotherapy is going to help. I have to accept it, at this point in my life I am still somehow up that creek without a paddle and I'm scared.

Pains in my chest today put stop to my lottie activites. I wasn't standing too well on my own feet at the nursery where we'd gone to get compost, the pain was bad and Andrew had to lead me out to the car. I tried for a while to just be there, sitting on a bench once we drove down to the plots but in the end even that got too much. I had to come home and even though I have taken sedatives - 2 types, my brain will not stop churning around like a possessed cement mixer and my chest still aches, as does my head, shoulders and back.

There is only so much dreaming a girl can do. Then it hits with a mighty 'whack' across the face - your life is never going to be how you would like it. My mind is seemingly pre-occupied with the past which I can't change and worrying about the future which could never be certain for anyone, ever. I can't be in the moment, even though, as is clear, I know I should be, though even that is not advised by my Dr - reality is a but much for me at the moment [confused? I know I am]. I feel like running away but I can't escape from myself.

Everything has gone tits up and I repeat : I. am. scared.
I know some of you will not like hearing me say that, I give the impression that I am coping and 'look at me- if I can do it so can you', but be gentle, we all have our weak moments [but I still have the balls to share mine].