I'm still here and I shall win ;)

I received a lovely and loving e-mail this morning from a dear friend which has given me that extra bit of strength to fight my demons and write a quick post.

I have been staring into the abyss over the past few day, holding onto the cliff face my the tips of my fingernails, having chats with the devil himself. All in all, I have been going through the mill and feeling ready to give up the fight. I have been confused, be-fuddled and consumed with self loathing and weakness. I have hated myself entirely.

My camera is full with images taken in those little windows, those few hours here and there when the world hasn't seem to ugly to bare. But they lie hidden with the magical machine, not uploaded, not appreicated. The camera sits there mocking me to tell the truth. Yes there are nice images on it but they only go to prove how wonderful the world is and how I can't see it now. It also serves to remind me that I'm supposed to be putting photos into a gallery but my mount suppiler has messed up my order and I still sit here with my 'work' by the bed. I feel the utter failure and not even the news from the allotment helps. Nothing much has helped, but my hubby's unwaivering love, a quick comment from a friend on Facebook a few days ago and today's e-mails (out of the blue and tear inducing), one from Meredith and one from someone whose views on mental illness I have changed through my Allotmentherapy essay.

Ecotherapy is not a panecea, creative art isn't either and writing can just be too painful some days. So I have stayed away, I have stayed in this room alone, without even Maggie, staring into that abyss and wishing from the moment I wake up that it was bedtime again. WELL NOT TODAY!!

Today will be different, today I shall fight, today I shall create. The barbed wire around my soul shall be broken by the love that I have for life and the love I receive from others - unexpected, unwarranted. I am to fight until I fall alseep with the effort of it and I shall win! Today I shall win.