Eden

The hinges are going to snap on my laptop someday or maybe it'll protest at me by just staying firmly shut ~ i have been on and off the internet, well, over a dozen times today trying to find comfort, trying to connect...each time i snap it shut, angry that no one has written something for me at a time of need, angry at my utter loneliness, angry that this is where I turn to for help,  angry....

So instead I write - for me, for you if you too are having one of those days where you just can't think straight, were there are too many things going on in your head at once, were there is a bloomin' big cement mixer truck outside your house driving you mad with it's noise and the fact that now it's leaving, there is a huge delivery truck coming up this tiny street to take it's place.
Did you know i literally live in Eden?  I also have a copy of the book 'Paradise' (by Toni Morrison) on  my stunning up-cycled coffee table; when I went to turn the heating off there I heard bird song over the builders generator and saw a few indistinct fellows flying way up high in the sky - where were they going? I came back in here, tickled a sleeping Maggie on the way past and looked at my Christmas tree and the space on the sofa that Andrew should be in (if I had my way). Wrapped up in my favourite blanket Andrew calls me and tells me about his day at work so far and I go on a little walk with him in Belfast as he danders over to the photography shop where I get my prints done. He can tell I'm really ill and is going to try and finish up at the office a little early - just having him near me will really help (though I didn't tell him that - I was all, 'no, no I'm okay..').


I fell asleep in the end reading, I had decided this was a load of stupidity and it wasn't fair using my blog to dump my problems on the world. I have half of another post started - actually grow our own food related :) I'll try and post it later with photos, once I've had something to eat, spoken to Andrew in the flesh and hopefully wised up a bit. But again I am going to press that publish button because for me, selfish though it is, I need to speak out, I need to share my pain in order to lessen it, I need to feel like I'm here too - not always forgotten in the corner as I feel I deserve. I need to turn that anger into something else....

Hell, in the end at least there's a delete button.