I have just watched a programme about the fabulous Dame Shirley Bassey and she sang a song written by the Pet Shop Boys that has struck a chord so deep in my heart that I can't really breath right now, I've been crying too hard. But to write helps me to make sense of things sometimes.
The lyrics -
The lyrics -
' But to live I have to give the performance of my life'.
This is and has been my life, I want to be whatever you want me to be, I have little idea who I am. I write and feel like this is me, I tell anyone who wants to listen in this space what I'm feeling but I don't always tell the truth. Yes the allotment does help me, blogging helps me, I adore my husband, I love photography, I feel completely and utterly useless and I fight everyday against my wish to die. I even knock myself out many days just so I don't have to face my own thoughts.
I perform. I act. It used to be for others, now it has bastardised into acting for me, to somehow fool myself into wanting to be.
I feel like a flowering plant, I want to be beautiful, I want to give joy but ultimately you are going to buy into the act when it's in full flow and then get rid of me when I start to fade... I'm tired.
This is and has been my life, I want to be whatever you want me to be, I have little idea who I am. I write and feel like this is me, I tell anyone who wants to listen in this space what I'm feeling but I don't always tell the truth. Yes the allotment does help me, blogging helps me, I adore my husband, I love photography, I feel completely and utterly useless and I fight everyday against my wish to die. I even knock myself out many days just so I don't have to face my own thoughts.
I perform. I act. It used to be for others, now it has bastardised into acting for me, to somehow fool myself into wanting to be.
I feel like a flowering plant, I want to be beautiful, I want to give joy but ultimately you are going to buy into the act when it's in full flow and then get rid of me when I start to fade... I'm tired.
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